my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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