Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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