she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
