Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
