That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
