I am puke
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
