Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
