do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i now understand why vodka
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
