Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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