lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
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Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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