Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
