recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
