i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
