i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
