textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
