I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
