did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
