I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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