i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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