Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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