It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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