yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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