On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
