the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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