My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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