Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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