i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
