Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
