I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
