if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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