he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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