He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
