if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
