just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
