It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
