Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
