my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
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I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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