im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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