i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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