all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
