In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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