The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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