Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
