Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
