I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
pray to the hookup gods
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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