If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
you had me at cake vodka
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
