i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
