My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
