the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
