I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
