I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
