you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
