My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
