he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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