I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
