i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
