You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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