Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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