he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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